An English Drinking Song

The British Drunk Song
I’m from England, born and bred
The weather is bloody terrible
The people full of dread
And some of our food…is scarcely edible
Is it any wonder then? (What?)
Is it a shocking realization? (No!)
That all our English Gentlemen
Resort to total…inebriation?

But why should we be drunk?! (Why?)
Why should we be pissed?! (Why?)
There are so many finer words
In fact I’ve got the list!
You could be parked, you could be farmed
Toasted, chilled, smattered and ever so slightly battered
Be careful you don’t get tanked
That can do some harm

So when you are heading home tonight
And an officer asks if you’ve been drinking
Don’t panic! Don’t worry! Don’t moan!
Just edify his limited means of thinking…

Pissed?! (BAH!) I’m trampoline’d!
Rat Arsed?! (NO!) He’s only farmed!
The Oxford English Dictionary
Is but an inebriated litany
To show you just how much we drank
And how much more before we’re tanked!

Young men from London, they are never pissed (No!)
After a good day of sport, they are jolly well balled (Yes!)
English ladies at home, getting drunk is not their wish (No!)
But merely slightly tipsy, happy and not to fall (Yes!)
Pity the French, Spanish and sportsman from Portugal
They have only one word, we English can use them all!

Pissed?! (BAH!) I’m trampoline’d!
Rat Arsed?! (NO!) He’s only farmed!
The Oxford English Dictionary
Is but an inebriated litany
To show you just how much we drank
And how much more before we’re tanked!

Try it!
(I’m parked!)
(Welly’d)
(Hardbacked)
(Battered)
(Tinkled)
(Planked)
(Bungalow’d)
(Binned)
(Drunk!)
(WHAT?!)
(Erm…skunked?)
(Hooray!!)

But ladies and gentlemen please listen to me
Remember, drink responsibly
It’s all fun and dandy when you’re farmed
But being pissed, can really cause some harm
…
But we’re not pissed! We’re trampoline’d!
Never rat arsed! Only farmed!
The Oxford English Dictionary
Is an inebriated litany
To show you just how much we drank
But we will stop, before we are Tanked!