With Valentines Day dawning I have been thinking about relationships, and one of the things I’ve been mulling over is how my prior ones have ended. If I were to tally how they’ve went I’d say by a rough estimation I am 1-3 in the dump to being dumped ratio. And to be honest, I prefer getting dumped than being the one to do the dumping
When I am about to dump someone, I have chosen to accept the role as the villain. Because that’s what I will become from someone’s perspective when I do this, I am now the bad guy breaking ties with this guy or girl and leaving on to pastures new and leaving them to pick up the pieces of their broken heart and ultimately come out of it stronger and wiser. Now Imma be honest, and this will sound pathetic...but I don’t like being the bad guy. The trouble is of course when it comes to breaking up, you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. It is much crueler to let the broken relationship persist, it only further exhausts yourself and gives false hope to the guy or girl you are with.
Getting a little personal now but without going into too much detail...the only time I have dumped someone, it sucked but it was the right thing to do. The relationship started out how all my relationships started, as friends but the key problem was I think...the love was actually kind of forced. It didn’t develop over time and blossom sweetly from friendship to infatuation and finally into a deeper and compassionate bond...but started as friends and then went to ‘holy shit please don’t die’. Yeah they had problems...I wanted to help...and I got attached. I was like 15-16 when this happened, not at my best AT ALL and this went on for about two years maybe. There were a lot of extremes, they were dependant on me and...well...when I couldn’t meet the needs they would lash out and make threats. It felt like my heart was repeatedly going through a cheese grater, and even though I did care for them I was finding it...VERY hard to keep it all up. I was going through my own depression (which I actually didn’t know about at the time and wasn’t getting help for) so I couldn’t exactly juggle my problems with theirs as I made the transition from college to university. When it came time to do the dumping I knew it was time because I actually learned my next girlfriend had deep feelings for me, now this relationship did follow the right pattern as mentioned above. I knew in order to get into that relationship I had to end the current one...and when I did it was not pretty. I accepted the role of villain and did the dumping, as expected they got upset, they lashed out...and made threats. But when it became apparent that didn’t work...they tried to salvage things. I haven’t spoken to them in years but last time we did chat we were on friendly terms, which is as good as I could hope for.
So that’s dumping, not my forte. Getting dumped however...I’m much better at that. In relationships, I tend to take responsibility for what goes wrong. Not sure if it’s relevant but when I was in my teens my parents split up, nothing scandalous but they just drifted apart. I blamed neither of them, or at least I don’t blame either of them now. I suppose this was part of childhood when you learn your parents aren’t superhuman...I learned quickly that things don’t always go the way you think they should. Did I want my parents to stay together, yes but I think I wanted them to be happy...and they weren’t happy together. This I think plays into why I’m better at being dumped than doing the dumping. The girlfriend I got together with after I dumped my prior partner...after two years of a serious relationship...she wanted to break things off. Now her reasons made sense, I understood them, I accepted them and we are actually still friends. Here’s how I see it, when someone I am in a relationship tells me they want to stop...that means I have bollocks this up. I have done something that has made them no longer want to spend their time with me (or if I am lucky, as much time with me). I thus take responsibility for this, I learn what I did wrong, I make sure I understand why this is happening so if I enter another relationship I do not make the same mistakes. See I guess I am still the bad guy, but at least I’m the one losing and they are the one escaping so that seems right. Whenever I am with someone, ultimately I want them to be happy. I have called myself and been called a selfless lover, I am happy to be broken up with if it means my former partner can go on and have a happier and better life. I will handle the break up as well as I can, and only get upset and cry when I’m on my own and rationalise that this is for the best and do my utmost to move on and try and keep things amicable with them. This I think, compared to dumping...is my forte.
So yeah, that’s why I prefer to be dumped than to do the dumping. In hindsight I think I’d be better at dumping now than when I was a teenager, but it’s still not something I’d relish. Not so much because I hate being the bad guy (I still hate that) but more so I don’t like breaking their hearts...even if it’s kinder for both of us. At least when I’m getting dumped I can understand, I can think of a thousand reasons why they’d not wanna be with me, so I listen, I learn and I understand. Try to part as friends and do better next time, does it hurt? Yeah, but at least I know they will be happy.